Cheese Tray is Highlight of Career Fair

At a recent paralegal career fair, Sara was dismayed to learn the pool of employers included a mousy gal, a few portly state employees and a pompous wench from some corporation. The fair was held in a conference room on campus, and although all 50 program participants were required to attend, seating was available for 40. Having arrived in time to receive one of the coveted seats, Sara did feel somewhat elated. This was short-lived, as she soon realized none of the employers actually had any interest in hiring anyone, now or in the immediate future. Sara noted they did seem to have a strong interest in talking about themselves and how great the school's paralegal program is.

"After their little speeches, I did the round of obligatory greetings, received some rather limp handshakes and decided to get out of dodge," Sara stated.

"I was on my way out the 'career fair,' and I noticed a rather elaborate spread of cheese and crackers. Suddenly, the career fair wasn't looking so bad. There was pepperjack, colby, sharp cheddar and get this, goat cheese! When have you ever been offered goat cheese as part of a cheese tray?"

Sara ended up leaving the fair with an offer from a law firm willing to pay her solely in wheels of cheese.

Sara's Sink Classifieds

LOST: Black Tweezerman Tweezers. Last seen in Sara's living room three weeks ago. If found please return to the two hairy caterpillers residing on Sara's forehead.

LOST: Sara's Keys, along with numerous scan cards. If found, please do not turn into public library, as Sara owes them $23 in late fees. Also please do not return keys to her gym, as they will not know who she is.

LOST: Family Law Notes. Vanished two weeks ago. No reward offered. No desire for them to be returned. May have been lost on purpose.

FOUND: Numerous extra pounds around Sara's middle. Please call if interested. Willing to deliver the lard directly to you.

Sara Makes Empassioned Plea for Readers to Return

Blogger Sara held a press conference Thursday in an attempt to reclaim readers and redeem her angered blog. Reports find the Sara's Sink blog has not been updated since August of 2009.
"I want to apologize for my shameful behavior," Sara stated in the press conference. "I have abandoned not only my blog, but my readers as well. There isn't one thing that led to my straying. All I can say is that I am ashamed of my behavior and vow to never let it happen again." It was noted a solitary tear fell down Sara's cheek as she spoke.
Experts surmise that several factors may have led to Sara's horrible treatment of her blog. "We often see behavior like this in females her age. They begin to worry about settling for just any blog and begin to look for companionship elsewhere," said psychblogigist Dr. Morten.
"Although I haven't met with Sara, I have heard reports that she started crocheting on the side. The numbing action of the needle may have just been too strong. Of course pure unadulterated laziness may also be to blame."
She may be able to recover from this though. But she will have to make some drastic changes. No more will she be allowed to make random postings when she feels like it. She will need to show committment to this relationship."
Sara's Sink stood silently next to Sara during the press conference, rejecting Sara's outstretched hand. When questioned by reporters, the Sink would only answer, "She needs to earn me back."

Babies, Babies Everywhere and Not a One is Sara's

What's this year's trend in summer get-togethers? It may have been mojitos and margaritas in years past, but this time, it's all about the offspring. As usual, Sara was once again behind in what's new.

A week after attending Megan and Chris's barbecue, it occurred to Sara that she was the only attendee that was sans child. She's now left wondering what the other guests must have thought.

"I didn't even bring taco dip or a six-pack, let alone a child. To make matters worse, my friend Jen brought two kids plus two bags of ice. If I had known I would have at least rounded up a cute puppy dog."

Recent studies have shown that people between the ages of 25-35 are indeed having children. In many instances, the event is followed with the purchase of a mini-van.

Looking back at her visit to Wisconsin, Sara is also realizing she went to a pool party and a Lia Sophia jewelery party where she was once again the odd unfertilized one out.

Sara's fallopian tubes refused to comment, but her disgruntled ovaries were more than willing to talk to our reporter.

"Every month it's another egg down the drain. Does she realize this bank only makes withdrawals and not deposits? And what is left, may be close to hard boiled or scrambled"

As a side note, Sara thought all the babies and children seemed to like her best.

"I really should have stolen one of them to take home. Then again, I think stealing children might classify you as a bad mother."

Hide your chickens and lock up your possums! Sara's car is an animal magnet

While for her first 14 years of driving she managed to never hit an animal, in the past month, Sara has had several unfortunate run-ins with wildlife. We were able to sit down with the emotionally distraught Sara just this week. Here in her own words, is her tale.

"The first incident happened right near my apartment as I was on my way to work. It was a Thursday, just like any other Thursday, I was late for work and eating breakfast in the car. I neared a small bird with unusually skinny legs, even for a bird, and expected it to move as all other birds I'd encountered previously had. Perhaps this bird flew the short plane to school, or maybe he had found a good snack in the road, but whatever it was, he didn't move. Before I knew it, I had run him over. For such skinny legs, he sure made a crunch.

"The next incident happened a couple weeks later. I was on my way to the lobster shanty, headed for a night of pleasantries with the marvolous clientele. As I came over a small hill, I noticed something in the road. I initially took it to be an already mangled animal and didn't try to avoid it. I soon realized this wasn't a pile of bloodied fur, but rather a mobile and rather large turtle. With too much traffic to swerve , I was left with no choice but to continue driving. I heard a thud, a thud I've heard each night in my sleep since then. As I looked in my rearview mirror I saw the turtle continue on his way. A co-worker told me he was probably just on his way to a quiet place to die. I would also like to add that despite rumors I've heard circulating, that just because I was on the phone with my mother, does not mean that I am gulity of neglegant driving. I've watched an entire episode of "House Hunter" while on the phone with her with no issues.

"The third occurence was just last week as I was on my way to Myrtle Beach. I was somewhere in S.C. as I had already passed Pedro's tourist shithole, and had just finished my Wendy's grilled chicken wrap, which p.s., is not too bad for $1.69. I see a bird in the road and start having flashbacks to that Thursday. Why I thought this time would be different, I don't know. This may have been the inbred cousin of that first bird, because once again, he didn't move. As I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw a plume of white feathers scatter. After those cleared, I also saw the disgusted look of the people in the car behind me.

"The reason I was even willing to go public with my stories, is to let people know I'm not doing this on purpose. I've been getting numerous harrassing phone calls that I'm almost positive are from that raccoon family down the street. I can hear the scratching of gargage cans in the background. I really am a nice person that likes animals.

Since the last incident, several animals have come forward claiming mistreatment by Sara, including relatives of Sara's deceased pet girbil and a deer from Chippewa Falls that was nearly hit by Sara in early June.

Newsflash: Updates from Raleigh

Oy Vey! Sara Named Honorary Jewish Godmother
Megan and Chris Heideman threw Catholic tradition out the window and named Sara a secondary godmother to their new son Charlie. Sara was unable to attend the circumcision of Charlie, but held her own bris celebration in Raleigh, snacking on cocktail wienies and pork rinds.
In preparation of her role, Sara has been practicing her cheek pinching and rehearsing lines like "You look too thin. Have you been eating?" and "You never call. What, am I such a bad
godmother?"

Oh Shit, My Pants Don't Fit
Apparently there is something to going to the gym. Sara has found out the hard way that if she doesn't workout and eats whatever she wants, none of her clothes fit. Even lying down on the bed to zip up her pants is failing to work.
"I'm way beyond a muffin top," Sara said, between bites of lemon pound cake. "I think I have a Little Debbie display baking around my middle."
Sara is confident she will make a return to the gym soon. Afterall, there is a great pizza place right next door.

Hmm... What should I do at Work Today? Besides Actually Doing Work, That Is
Having spent the last week and a half with little supervision, Sara has been keeping herself busy at the front desk.
Yesterday, after lengthy phone interviews to area dry cleaners and extensive Internet research, Sara concluded she would need to clean the Coach purse she confiscated from her roommate. Using old health room supplies, she was able to remove layers of bar funk with rubbing alcohol, cotton swabs and guaze pads.
Sara has also perfected her lying skills this week by repeatedly telling prospective job applicants that yes indeed, there are three K-5 teaching positions still available. Even though they had already been filled before being manditorily posted per state law.
"I rotated the wording of my lie ever third call or so," Sara reported. "One time I would put it all on the principal. 'I'm not sure what she has decided. Do you want her voicemail?' The next time, 'Well yes, we sure are still taking resumes. Good luck.' Other times, I just played dumb. 'Hmm.. jobs posted on the website. Not really sure about that. Maybe call back later?'"
Sara also tried to tweeze her eyebrows with the tweezer in the healthroom. She soon found the children who would use it to remove splinters were right, "This tweezers really does suck."

A Turtle Rears It's Ugly Head: Warning to the Squemish, This Story Involves Turds

Saturday morning proved to be a rough one for Sara. After a night of a little drinking and 4 a.m homemade hashbrowns, eggs and smoked sausage, Sara was required to give a friend a ride to work around 10 a.m. The drive there was quite uneventful, but things took a turn for the worse soon after leaving the Red Lobster parking lot.
The turtle that just a half hour earlier had retreated to it's lair, decided to make a move to the exit door. Unfortunately for Sara, she was still a ten minute car ride from home
"It was horrible. I kept thinking, I've just paid off this car," said Sara. "Now I'm going to poop in it."
As Sara drove, she considered her options for stopping and letting the turtle out. "I passed a CVS, but as I had no bra on, I quickly out ruled that. Kroger was out for the same reason, plus, I've used the bathrooms there before and there's no power in their toilet flushes." Sara said she briefly flirted with the idea of a bush outside her school, but reconsidered after realizing one of the children might find her turtle later in the week.
After getting stuck at horribly long red light, Sara was in the home stretch to her apartment. She was able to park quickly, but had a bit of a struggle shutting her seat belt into the car door. Sara hustled up the stairs and at that point she truly feared the turtle was touching cloth.
"I finally made it into the bathroom and let the turtle go to sea. The experience was finally coming to an end or so I thought."
Apparently the turtle was more giant sea turtle than baby snapper and upon flushing the toilet, the turtle started rising to the surface. Having experienced similar situations, Sara knew to turn the water off and attack with the plunger. The turtle finally returned to sea and the toilet went back to functioning.
Sara spent the next few hours recovering on the couch with a 90210 min-marathon. She hopes this will be the end of the trauma, despite spotting a baby turtle still clinging to the toilet bowl on her next visit to the loo.