Newsflash: Updates from Raleigh

Oy Vey! Sara Named Honorary Jewish Godmother
Megan and Chris Heideman threw Catholic tradition out the window and named Sara a secondary godmother to their new son Charlie. Sara was unable to attend the circumcision of Charlie, but held her own bris celebration in Raleigh, snacking on cocktail wienies and pork rinds.
In preparation of her role, Sara has been practicing her cheek pinching and rehearsing lines like "You look too thin. Have you been eating?" and "You never call. What, am I such a bad
godmother?"

Oh Shit, My Pants Don't Fit
Apparently there is something to going to the gym. Sara has found out the hard way that if she doesn't workout and eats whatever she wants, none of her clothes fit. Even lying down on the bed to zip up her pants is failing to work.
"I'm way beyond a muffin top," Sara said, between bites of lemon pound cake. "I think I have a Little Debbie display baking around my middle."
Sara is confident she will make a return to the gym soon. Afterall, there is a great pizza place right next door.

Hmm... What should I do at Work Today? Besides Actually Doing Work, That Is
Having spent the last week and a half with little supervision, Sara has been keeping herself busy at the front desk.
Yesterday, after lengthy phone interviews to area dry cleaners and extensive Internet research, Sara concluded she would need to clean the Coach purse she confiscated from her roommate. Using old health room supplies, she was able to remove layers of bar funk with rubbing alcohol, cotton swabs and guaze pads.
Sara has also perfected her lying skills this week by repeatedly telling prospective job applicants that yes indeed, there are three K-5 teaching positions still available. Even though they had already been filled before being manditorily posted per state law.
"I rotated the wording of my lie ever third call or so," Sara reported. "One time I would put it all on the principal. 'I'm not sure what she has decided. Do you want her voicemail?' The next time, 'Well yes, we sure are still taking resumes. Good luck.' Other times, I just played dumb. 'Hmm.. jobs posted on the website. Not really sure about that. Maybe call back later?'"
Sara also tried to tweeze her eyebrows with the tweezer in the healthroom. She soon found the children who would use it to remove splinters were right, "This tweezers really does suck."