Babies, Babies Everywhere and Not a One is Sara's

What's this year's trend in summer get-togethers? It may have been mojitos and margaritas in years past, but this time, it's all about the offspring. As usual, Sara was once again behind in what's new.

A week after attending Megan and Chris's barbecue, it occurred to Sara that she was the only attendee that was sans child. She's now left wondering what the other guests must have thought.

"I didn't even bring taco dip or a six-pack, let alone a child. To make matters worse, my friend Jen brought two kids plus two bags of ice. If I had known I would have at least rounded up a cute puppy dog."

Recent studies have shown that people between the ages of 25-35 are indeed having children. In many instances, the event is followed with the purchase of a mini-van.

Looking back at her visit to Wisconsin, Sara is also realizing she went to a pool party and a Lia Sophia jewelery party where she was once again the odd unfertilized one out.

Sara's fallopian tubes refused to comment, but her disgruntled ovaries were more than willing to talk to our reporter.

"Every month it's another egg down the drain. Does she realize this bank only makes withdrawals and not deposits? And what is left, may be close to hard boiled or scrambled"

As a side note, Sara thought all the babies and children seemed to like her best.

"I really should have stolen one of them to take home. Then again, I think stealing children might classify you as a bad mother."

Hide your chickens and lock up your possums! Sara's car is an animal magnet

While for her first 14 years of driving she managed to never hit an animal, in the past month, Sara has had several unfortunate run-ins with wildlife. We were able to sit down with the emotionally distraught Sara just this week. Here in her own words, is her tale.

"The first incident happened right near my apartment as I was on my way to work. It was a Thursday, just like any other Thursday, I was late for work and eating breakfast in the car. I neared a small bird with unusually skinny legs, even for a bird, and expected it to move as all other birds I'd encountered previously had. Perhaps this bird flew the short plane to school, or maybe he had found a good snack in the road, but whatever it was, he didn't move. Before I knew it, I had run him over. For such skinny legs, he sure made a crunch.

"The next incident happened a couple weeks later. I was on my way to the lobster shanty, headed for a night of pleasantries with the marvolous clientele. As I came over a small hill, I noticed something in the road. I initially took it to be an already mangled animal and didn't try to avoid it. I soon realized this wasn't a pile of bloodied fur, but rather a mobile and rather large turtle. With too much traffic to swerve , I was left with no choice but to continue driving. I heard a thud, a thud I've heard each night in my sleep since then. As I looked in my rearview mirror I saw the turtle continue on his way. A co-worker told me he was probably just on his way to a quiet place to die. I would also like to add that despite rumors I've heard circulating, that just because I was on the phone with my mother, does not mean that I am gulity of neglegant driving. I've watched an entire episode of "House Hunter" while on the phone with her with no issues.

"The third occurence was just last week as I was on my way to Myrtle Beach. I was somewhere in S.C. as I had already passed Pedro's tourist shithole, and had just finished my Wendy's grilled chicken wrap, which p.s., is not too bad for $1.69. I see a bird in the road and start having flashbacks to that Thursday. Why I thought this time would be different, I don't know. This may have been the inbred cousin of that first bird, because once again, he didn't move. As I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw a plume of white feathers scatter. After those cleared, I also saw the disgusted look of the people in the car behind me.

"The reason I was even willing to go public with my stories, is to let people know I'm not doing this on purpose. I've been getting numerous harrassing phone calls that I'm almost positive are from that raccoon family down the street. I can hear the scratching of gargage cans in the background. I really am a nice person that likes animals.

Since the last incident, several animals have come forward claiming mistreatment by Sara, including relatives of Sara's deceased pet girbil and a deer from Chippewa Falls that was nearly hit by Sara in early June.

Newsflash: Updates from Raleigh

Oy Vey! Sara Named Honorary Jewish Godmother
Megan and Chris Heideman threw Catholic tradition out the window and named Sara a secondary godmother to their new son Charlie. Sara was unable to attend the circumcision of Charlie, but held her own bris celebration in Raleigh, snacking on cocktail wienies and pork rinds.
In preparation of her role, Sara has been practicing her cheek pinching and rehearsing lines like "You look too thin. Have you been eating?" and "You never call. What, am I such a bad
godmother?"

Oh Shit, My Pants Don't Fit
Apparently there is something to going to the gym. Sara has found out the hard way that if she doesn't workout and eats whatever she wants, none of her clothes fit. Even lying down on the bed to zip up her pants is failing to work.
"I'm way beyond a muffin top," Sara said, between bites of lemon pound cake. "I think I have a Little Debbie display baking around my middle."
Sara is confident she will make a return to the gym soon. Afterall, there is a great pizza place right next door.

Hmm... What should I do at Work Today? Besides Actually Doing Work, That Is
Having spent the last week and a half with little supervision, Sara has been keeping herself busy at the front desk.
Yesterday, after lengthy phone interviews to area dry cleaners and extensive Internet research, Sara concluded she would need to clean the Coach purse she confiscated from her roommate. Using old health room supplies, she was able to remove layers of bar funk with rubbing alcohol, cotton swabs and guaze pads.
Sara has also perfected her lying skills this week by repeatedly telling prospective job applicants that yes indeed, there are three K-5 teaching positions still available. Even though they had already been filled before being manditorily posted per state law.
"I rotated the wording of my lie ever third call or so," Sara reported. "One time I would put it all on the principal. 'I'm not sure what she has decided. Do you want her voicemail?' The next time, 'Well yes, we sure are still taking resumes. Good luck.' Other times, I just played dumb. 'Hmm.. jobs posted on the website. Not really sure about that. Maybe call back later?'"
Sara also tried to tweeze her eyebrows with the tweezer in the healthroom. She soon found the children who would use it to remove splinters were right, "This tweezers really does suck."

A Turtle Rears It's Ugly Head: Warning to the Squemish, This Story Involves Turds

Saturday morning proved to be a rough one for Sara. After a night of a little drinking and 4 a.m homemade hashbrowns, eggs and smoked sausage, Sara was required to give a friend a ride to work around 10 a.m. The drive there was quite uneventful, but things took a turn for the worse soon after leaving the Red Lobster parking lot.
The turtle that just a half hour earlier had retreated to it's lair, decided to make a move to the exit door. Unfortunately for Sara, she was still a ten minute car ride from home
"It was horrible. I kept thinking, I've just paid off this car," said Sara. "Now I'm going to poop in it."
As Sara drove, she considered her options for stopping and letting the turtle out. "I passed a CVS, but as I had no bra on, I quickly out ruled that. Kroger was out for the same reason, plus, I've used the bathrooms there before and there's no power in their toilet flushes." Sara said she briefly flirted with the idea of a bush outside her school, but reconsidered after realizing one of the children might find her turtle later in the week.
After getting stuck at horribly long red light, Sara was in the home stretch to her apartment. She was able to park quickly, but had a bit of a struggle shutting her seat belt into the car door. Sara hustled up the stairs and at that point she truly feared the turtle was touching cloth.
"I finally made it into the bathroom and let the turtle go to sea. The experience was finally coming to an end or so I thought."
Apparently the turtle was more giant sea turtle than baby snapper and upon flushing the toilet, the turtle started rising to the surface. Having experienced similar situations, Sara knew to turn the water off and attack with the plunger. The turtle finally returned to sea and the toilet went back to functioning.
Sara spent the next few hours recovering on the couch with a 90210 min-marathon. She hopes this will be the end of the trauma, despite spotting a baby turtle still clinging to the toilet bowl on her next visit to the loo.

Super Selfish Bitch Planning Two-week Mexican Holiday

Break out the Pepto and Immodium A.D.!

Despite the raging drug wars and rampant swine flu diarrhea that is currently plaguing Mexico, Raleigh resident Sara has booked a two-week getaway to Cancun. She will spend her winter holiday at Temptations, an adult-only resort. The hotel's website boasts a "variety of games and activities for the unihibited guests looking for a good time", topless optional swimming pools( or perhaps not too optional if Sara doesn't start going to the gym) and coffee makers in evey room.

This of course will all be lost on Sara as she will probably not remember 90 percent of her vacation. Friends of Sara will perhaps recall her initial trip to Temptations (formerly Blue Bay Resort) in 2002. After a long afternoon of "rail" tequila shots at the resorts swim-up bar and some rumored tongue twisting with a kind-of ugly Canadian, Sara was stumbling her way back to the room. Here the story becomes a bit blurred, as does Sara's vision, but it appeared that Sara's flip flop got caught in the rustic stonework of the pathway. This led to the unfortunate meeting of Sara's eye with a stone planter. After the entire experience, Sara was most upset that her vacation mates had not woke her for dinner at the Italian restarurant.

Sara wil be joined on her vacation by the ever trouble-making Megan Metten of Saint Paul, Minnesota. Megan has escorted Sara on all of her previous ventures south of the border and has assured Sara that this trip will be as spirited as ever. "Whenever Sara and I get together, good times, great food and plenty of drinks are guaranteed. And sometimes our panties get lost."

Of course this trip will be a little different for Sara as she has a significant other in her life. Chuck Machuga, Sara's boyfriend, was reached by phone for comment.
"Whatever, that bitch can just miss my birthday (December 26) again. I'm glad she didn't invite me. I don't like the sun anyway. I'm fair-skinned." The interview was cut short when Sara smacked Chuck.

Sara said she wil prepare for her trip in the coming months by going to the gym more, being smart and saving her money, and cutting back on her drinking. And maybe by having mokeys fly out of her ass.

Female Albino Spotted Roaming Streets of Raleigh; Citizens Urged to Avert Eyes

An unidentified female albino, also known as an albina, has been spotted at several North Raleigh locations in recent days. She has been described as a pleasantly plump brunette with shockingly pasty skin. Although she is said to be mild-mannered and only temperamental in morning hours, authorities are warning residents to avoid direct eye contact with the albina's skin.
"We've had numerous reports of near blindness from people who have had prolonged eye exposure of the albina's skin," said Officer Coppertone, of the city's police department. "With the weather getting warmer, more and more of the albina's skin will be exposed. Which in turn will lead to potentially more gawking from onlookers. Unless we get this girl in the sun, we're could have a potential medical disaster on our hands."
Several patrons at Dillard's department store had the misfortune of having to see a partial view of the albina's buttock's when an apparent rip formed in her jeans. "At first I just thought I was seeing white underpants. But then I realized that it was the albina's backside," said 80-year old Mildred Shoemaker. "I nearly thought I was seeing the big white light at the end of the eternal tunnel."
The mortified albina was seen minutes later fleeing the Triangle Town Centre Mall with an orange sweatshirt around her waist. She was reported to be very disappointed that she was unable to obtain a salted pretzel with cream cheese from "Auntie Anne's Pretzels." But her apparrant embarrassment outweighed her need for a delicious mall snack.
New rumors have surfaced surrounding the fact that the albina may indeed be doing something about her condition, including tanning at her gym. Now if only the albina would get to the gym.

News Flash!!! Sara has Found a Career

A great sigh of relief was heard from the home of CJ and Tom as their daughter Sara finally announced career plans that don't involve groveling for tips. Sara informed her parents that she would be applying for a paralegal program at Meredith College in Raleigh, NC.
"We were starting to think the day would never come. After years at that BBQ joint and the lobster shanty, we thought Sara would never break her sick addiction to waiting tables," said Sara's mother. "We'll finally be able to include her in the family holiday letter again."
Sara has begun the admissions process with a grueling 500-word essay on why she wants to be a paralegal. Knowing that she's "sick of waiting on moronic people" wouldn't suffice, she's had to dig deep into her inner bullshitting soul. She's hoping key phrases such as "the detail-orientated aspect of law and the ethical roots of the discipline would challenge my analytical abilities" will really wow the admissions board.
Slightly worrisome to Sara are how her college grades will affect her chances of being admitted. "I'm still concerned that "D" in freshman year Spanish will come back to haunt me. Curse you Reno Aveneda, TA from hell!"
On the plus side, Meredith College is an all-women's school, so hopefully Sara's slightly slutty ways of her previous college experience will be avoided.

Slightly Overweight Gal Goes for a Walk, and it's further than the fridge!

Sara is now in training for a 5K charity walk to help fight lupus. Won't you sponsor her and help battle lupus? It's easy to donate, just click on https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=302618&lis=0&kntae302618=FEF7700D938241B69A44E15973113475&supId=250923965
Then you'll be at Sara's personal website. Here you can learn about lupus, find out why Sara's participating and make your generous donation. Any amount is appreciated, but Sara will waddle faster the more money she gets.
Sara's also looking forward to whatever snacks they serve after the walk. Better not be any nasty Power Bars.

Mutant Mucus Monster Attacks Raleigh Woman!

On March 19, sometime between the hours of 7 pm and 11 pm, an unidentified 30-year old woman(although some eye witnesses say she didn't look a day over 21) was mysteriously overtaken by a mucus monster. Authorities said the woman appeared to be normal while watching a rerun of "The Family Guy"(the episode where Peter finds a Native American skull that he urinates in). But by the time "Ugly Betty" had started, it was too late; the mucus monster had taken hold of the woman's sinus cavity.

Authorities first on the crime scene said despite efforts, they were unable to apprehend the criminal. As soon as they entered the victim's residence, the mucus monster fled to nasal cavities beyond their reach.
Scientist Herbert Nasaline, who was on the scene soon after the event, said this was one the worst attacks he has ever encountered. "At this point, I'd say the prognosis for the victim is fair, at best. Perhaps with several days of snotular evacuation, the victim will return to normal life."
Although he also added, "From the looks of the victim's cleaning habits, she was never normal before the attack."

Fat-free Ranch Needs Some Fat! On verge of anorexia!

Send your bacon drippings, FryDaddy contents and lipo leftovers to the Kraft dressing factory! Fat-Free Ranch is nearing starvation. Even carrot and celery sticks are refusing to be dipped, concerned with the state of the dressing. Full-fat foods like pizza, chicken wings and french fries won't go near it for fear of their own reputation being marred.
Some food experts argue that an addition of fat won't even save the dressing and that tough love is the only answer. "Leave the dressing in the store along with fat-free mayos and cheeses, and Splenda while you're at it," Dr. VonCheddarburg of the McFatterstein Institute says. "As long as there are skinny girls willing to eat the vile dressing, the companies will still make it."

Wow, my blog looks like crap!

This is my initial attempt at a blog.
A few things to keep in mind:
1. I earned a low "C" in seventh-grade keyboarding class.
2. I earned an even lower"C" in my college computer editing class.
3. I live in 1975 and I don't have a computer at home. This means my additions will be done mostly at work. Mostly while trying to dodge the peering eyes of nosy children and even nosier co-workers.
4. It's been a bit since I've written anything besides a student loan check, so don't expect anything too witty, amusing or even remotely coherent, at least for awhile

Thanks for reading,
Sara