Super Selfish Bitch Planning Two-week Mexican Holiday

Break out the Pepto and Immodium A.D.!

Despite the raging drug wars and rampant swine flu diarrhea that is currently plaguing Mexico, Raleigh resident Sara has booked a two-week getaway to Cancun. She will spend her winter holiday at Temptations, an adult-only resort. The hotel's website boasts a "variety of games and activities for the unihibited guests looking for a good time", topless optional swimming pools( or perhaps not too optional if Sara doesn't start going to the gym) and coffee makers in evey room.

This of course will all be lost on Sara as she will probably not remember 90 percent of her vacation. Friends of Sara will perhaps recall her initial trip to Temptations (formerly Blue Bay Resort) in 2002. After a long afternoon of "rail" tequila shots at the resorts swim-up bar and some rumored tongue twisting with a kind-of ugly Canadian, Sara was stumbling her way back to the room. Here the story becomes a bit blurred, as does Sara's vision, but it appeared that Sara's flip flop got caught in the rustic stonework of the pathway. This led to the unfortunate meeting of Sara's eye with a stone planter. After the entire experience, Sara was most upset that her vacation mates had not woke her for dinner at the Italian restarurant.

Sara wil be joined on her vacation by the ever trouble-making Megan Metten of Saint Paul, Minnesota. Megan has escorted Sara on all of her previous ventures south of the border and has assured Sara that this trip will be as spirited as ever. "Whenever Sara and I get together, good times, great food and plenty of drinks are guaranteed. And sometimes our panties get lost."

Of course this trip will be a little different for Sara as she has a significant other in her life. Chuck Machuga, Sara's boyfriend, was reached by phone for comment.
"Whatever, that bitch can just miss my birthday (December 26) again. I'm glad she didn't invite me. I don't like the sun anyway. I'm fair-skinned." The interview was cut short when Sara smacked Chuck.

Sara said she wil prepare for her trip in the coming months by going to the gym more, being smart and saving her money, and cutting back on her drinking. And maybe by having mokeys fly out of her ass.

Female Albino Spotted Roaming Streets of Raleigh; Citizens Urged to Avert Eyes

An unidentified female albino, also known as an albina, has been spotted at several North Raleigh locations in recent days. She has been described as a pleasantly plump brunette with shockingly pasty skin. Although she is said to be mild-mannered and only temperamental in morning hours, authorities are warning residents to avoid direct eye contact with the albina's skin.
"We've had numerous reports of near blindness from people who have had prolonged eye exposure of the albina's skin," said Officer Coppertone, of the city's police department. "With the weather getting warmer, more and more of the albina's skin will be exposed. Which in turn will lead to potentially more gawking from onlookers. Unless we get this girl in the sun, we're could have a potential medical disaster on our hands."
Several patrons at Dillard's department store had the misfortune of having to see a partial view of the albina's buttock's when an apparent rip formed in her jeans. "At first I just thought I was seeing white underpants. But then I realized that it was the albina's backside," said 80-year old Mildred Shoemaker. "I nearly thought I was seeing the big white light at the end of the eternal tunnel."
The mortified albina was seen minutes later fleeing the Triangle Town Centre Mall with an orange sweatshirt around her waist. She was reported to be very disappointed that she was unable to obtain a salted pretzel with cream cheese from "Auntie Anne's Pretzels." But her apparrant embarrassment outweighed her need for a delicious mall snack.
New rumors have surfaced surrounding the fact that the albina may indeed be doing something about her condition, including tanning at her gym. Now if only the albina would get to the gym.

News Flash!!! Sara has Found a Career

A great sigh of relief was heard from the home of CJ and Tom as their daughter Sara finally announced career plans that don't involve groveling for tips. Sara informed her parents that she would be applying for a paralegal program at Meredith College in Raleigh, NC.
"We were starting to think the day would never come. After years at that BBQ joint and the lobster shanty, we thought Sara would never break her sick addiction to waiting tables," said Sara's mother. "We'll finally be able to include her in the family holiday letter again."
Sara has begun the admissions process with a grueling 500-word essay on why she wants to be a paralegal. Knowing that she's "sick of waiting on moronic people" wouldn't suffice, she's had to dig deep into her inner bullshitting soul. She's hoping key phrases such as "the detail-orientated aspect of law and the ethical roots of the discipline would challenge my analytical abilities" will really wow the admissions board.
Slightly worrisome to Sara are how her college grades will affect her chances of being admitted. "I'm still concerned that "D" in freshman year Spanish will come back to haunt me. Curse you Reno Aveneda, TA from hell!"
On the plus side, Meredith College is an all-women's school, so hopefully Sara's slightly slutty ways of her previous college experience will be avoided.